Life is a beach

it took me years to write this poem

year one... this room is all i've ever seen, there are white walls, nice tan curtains, and bright yellow ducks on the doors but what do i know about color? The beeps that i hear must be of my heartbeat each paralleling with the radience i must emit.

year two... the world is odd. when i lay, i roll, when i crawl, i drool, and when i walk i fall but what do i know about gravity? I'm tired of drinking that pale white liquid and that i'm not tall enough to turn the shiny gold knobs that open the door but what do i know about height

year three... i've learned some knew things like when i throw a ball up it falls back down and i think thats why when i run and trip i fall but what do i know about logic.

year four... there definately is a monster under my bed. my parents cant see it but i know its there, i need to have a night light and i got a new blanket and my parents say with it the monsters cant hurt me but what do i know about fear?

year five and a half... i can count to ten now and my favorite color is blue like the sky. thunder is still scary but lightning is exciting. my mom says thunder is angels bowling so i root for them during every storm but what do i know about wonder?

year six... my first day of school was exhilerating. i made two friends and four enemies, that makes six but what do i know about math. also alot of people are taller than me, i guess that's what height is all about. the school bus is yellow and tomorrow we learn how to fingerpaint. i like firetrucks and candy and dont know how to tell time but i think im six and three quarters but what do i really know about math?

year eight... my dad let me shave my head into a mohawk. superheroes are cool and i want a cape for christmas. i like video games but my dad says i need to go outside more often. now i have three friends and one bully. he takes my lunch money because his parents hurt him alot so i bring a snack but what do i know about compensation?

year ten... i learned today that im a decade old, a decade means ten years. i got a skate board for my birthday and i scraped my knee and had to geta band aid with a lightning bolt on it, it will heal in a couple of days my mom says but what do i know about safety?

year twelve... i have a crush on a girl who sits next to me, we help each other with homework. she moved here from canada and says that its much colder up there than hear. i dont even know her last name but what do i know about love.

year thirteen... my mom left and my dad says shes on vacation but it's been two whole months. i ask can i call her but dad says its complicated. i don't understand but what do i know about parents? they aused to argue alot and i think it's my fault because my name comes up alot. My dad came home from work yesterday and started yelling up a storm and sounded scary. he must have had a hard time but what do i know about problems

year fourteen... i went to the guidance counselor at school today because my dad hit me across the face, my nose bled and he made me promise not to tell anyone but mrs. K the guidance counselor saw me and sais i can tell her anything. she said someone will talk to me tomorrow and that they just want to help but what do i know about help?

year fourteen and a quarter... the lady saw me today and interviewed me and tomorrow im going to a sleep over at a different family's house. im excited

year fifteen... i wanna see my dad but the people im living with told me he went away for a long while. they have nine other children just like me and they all say they've been hit by their parents too but what do i know about abuse?

year seventeen... ayear ago i met somw kids like me who wear all black and listen to heavy metal. they cut themselves and take pills called rittalin. they told me that life sucks and parents are stupid, but i miss my parents.

year seventeen and a half... i went to the emergency room a few weeks ago for trying to cut myself. they said i have depression and there is a chemical imbalance in my brain and i take these giant pills. i think im a lab rat. but what do i know about mental health?

year eighteen.... im an adult now and going to graduate in six months. im in a private school with other people with similar problems. people are from all over their. there are fights every day and im afraid all the staff are going to stick me with needles all thec time. i cut myself again and they put me on observation but what do i know about depression?

year nineteen... iv'e now been to a total of four hospitalizations and one residential treatment facility. people in the adult units are much scarier and have more complicated problems. i dont know what to do with myself because i am now on government fundas called disability for my diagnosis of schizoeffective but what do i know aboout mental health?

year twenty.... my dads out of jail and i get to see him once in a while. i still havent seen or heard about my mom. the number of hospitalizations now doubled. i've now lost the right to own a gun, like i care. im in a program for transitioning adults with mental health but what do i know about that?

year twenty one... i can legally drink now but i wont. they say it will interfear with my medication. i 've been with this girl now for two years and she is lovely, but what do i know about love?

year twenty three... year three with my girlfriend were getting married soon, but what do i know about marriage?

year twenty four... i now have a wife. my whole life is ahead of me. im still struggling with depression along with anxiety, voices and mood disorders but really what do i know about the life? it seems like i was born yesterday but tomorrow still seems too far away to ponder..