Everything jalapeño

There I am, eager and committed, with my eyes greater than or equal to my stomach. I could not wait to sink my teeth into what would now be the epitome of gluttony- jalapeño poppers. Of course, now I eat them by the jar, yes by the jar. I consume about two jars a day. They say you are what you eat, but I'm starting to get scared because my sweat now stings my eyes from time to time. What a phenomenal idea I thought.
It's been a decade since prohibition. Our government banned all spicy foods due to an allergy owned by the president. So in order to control the sale and trade of such products, there was an insane tax followed by a complete illegality of the stuff. However, we have found a solution, immigrant smuggling, yes from taco country itself. A 16 Oz jar now typically costs me my whole paycheck, about $900, but it was worth it, much worth it.

Three years later, I can't get off this stuff. I'm going crazy and putting it on everything. From Angus burgers to ziti with extra cheese, I'm getting carried away. I came home last night to find my family. They were gathered in the living room and glancing at me, saying things like your pepper addiction has gone too far, we love you, we want to help you change, we care about you, we're here.  No you can't take them away. They're a part of me. I can't live without them...

Hello, my name is Jeff and I'm an addict. Hi jeff, tell us your story...

The gutter isn't getting any friendlier. I'm so desperate that I attempted to rob a lady just so she could pepper spray me. A homeless man approached me asking how I got here. I told him my story. He said some people are lucky and that he'd been on more hardcore peppers like cayenne and habenero. He said jalapeños are gateway peppers and that I might be as unfortunate as him. I asked what happened to him. He said his whole family was run over by a tractor trailer carrying hundreds of boxes of premium pepper blends, all headed for the white house. Because of the fatality, the president is still alive but at the cost of his loved ones. He advised me to turn back while I'm still young.

I'm a pepper addiction advocate now. I help people who struggle with the same problem I had. One of my clients asked what brought me to the field. I said you know those appetizers they have at nice restaurants with jalapeños and cheese in a breaded crust. He said you mean those delicious poppers. I love them. I responded, STAY AWAY FROM THEM!